Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he
demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am
a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give
me MY money."
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not
exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to
hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great!
First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
____________________________________________________
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at
the entrance. ‘Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle
in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around
these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. ‘No
problem, just let me in,' says the man. ‘Well, I'd like to, but I have
orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell
and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. ‘Really,
I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. ‘I’m
sorry, but we have our rules. ‘And with that, St.Peter escorts him to
the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he
finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a
clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in
evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce
about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the
people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster,
caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very
friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time
to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
raises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it's time to visit heaven. ‘So,
24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns. ‘Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in
heaven. Now choose your eternity. ‘The senator reflects for a minute,
then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven
has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. ‘So St.
Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls
from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his
shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's
just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What
happened? ‘The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were
campaigning....Today you voted.'
